Below are the 6 most recent journal entries recorded in scarredpinky's LiveJournal:

Friday, June 16th, 2006
6:03 pm	Bittersweet So, my original entry was to share with like the 2 people who read this how my excitement and joy is coming to fruition. We have decided to get married this Halloween. We have the Catacombs booked for the reception, we got a hurst for the drive between sico park and the catacombs (which was a task) and all thats missing now, is any single member of my family and possibly my son, too. After a week of planning, and let you know I got it almost all done, my parents have decided that its evil and too macabre for a wedding and they want no part of it. I am an embarrassment to them, and they have no plans on telling anyone else in my family that I'm even getting married. In the past, this would give cause to me putting this ceremony off for yet another year, but now.. well, I'm not ready to re-table all my plans because I'm just too creepy for my parents. The email I sent prior to writing this was to my dad, with accurate pagan information from christian web sites and letting them off the hook as far as them having no need to feel guilty for not being there. So, I suppose the ceremony lurches forward. I may put my foot down if Evan is not allowed to come too, but I just can't make them understand. Every fiber of their beings hates what I've become to the extent that my dad's explanation is because they bent over backwards for me too many times as a child. My basic problem is that neither of them know any other witches, so I must be the only crazy person out here in the world. My heart is broken, but mainly because they have told me what an embarrassment to my family I have become. I didn't finish college, have 2 kids both out of wedlock to 2 different guys, and the final slap is my choosing of Satan over God. I'm beginning to sound like a broken record, I don't believe in satan, mom, I can't worship someone who I don't believe exists... So, in turn, my excitement of the last week has been flushed down the universal toilet of intolerance and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. Thanks for tolerating my rant, I'm sure theres more where this came from. Until next time, Didi Current Mood: crushed Current Music: Christian Death - I Hate You (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, May 27th, 2006
12:41 pm	30 Years Well, since today is the 30th anniversary of the day I was left on the porch in Gordonville, I thought it would be a good day to put some thoughts down. I really wanted to go see the house today, but I'm not sure its possible with my schedule, I never made it down there, so I really have no clue how long it takes to get there. My heart hurts. The kind of hurt that makes a high cholesterol'd smoker wonder if maybe this is what a heart attack feels like. I tried to get some media attention, but none of the emails I sent out had any response. So all I can wonder is what is possibly more newsworthy... Oh well, here's to whoever it was, and why. I'm beyond the ability to understand, and honestly after 15 years of living with this, makes me glad I had 15 that I was clueless. Here's to all the people who know who they are and where they come from.. feel lucky.. Much Love Didi (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, April 10th, 2006
11:11 pm	Long Ago And Far Away Well, here we are, like all my journals, at least 1 year from the previous entry... It seems to be like everything else, way to hard for me to keep up with. Well, to catch ya'll up.. Last year sucked, and thats pretty much it. But mainly because I lack something to say, and it's harsh for me to think that something I wrote wasn't witty and had one or two meanings.. I want you to walk away from it and say, "Wow! That really pissed me off!" or the dead silence of a stunned voice. Today, I googled myself. Diane Bell is a feminist author, a real estate agent and here and there... the only entry that was actually me was a post from The Bobs (an ac-capella singing group) forum, where I professed my undying love for the art of making music with no instruments. Funny. Wow, so that means, I've achieved a level of complete and total nothingness... However upon googling scarredpinky.. 4 pages of entries, all, well.. ME! Mostly sims stuff, I don't post much on D2 pages.. A lot of my Seti at home speeds and stuff.. I's lookin for da aileeeins.. from my leevingrooom.. But wow! This alter ego.. my scarredpinky (thanks tom for having me fingerprinted) has made a bigger impression on this map than I have. Interesting. So Today - I have a toast.. (please raise your turkey tea containers with me) To Us! The underachievers, under deadlines, under health, under paid, under appreciated, under addictions.. We are the generation of unders! I don't think we'll ever get completely on top, because being under someone is just a lot less work! To Us! More Later... prolly next year, but oh well.. :) Current Mood: melancholy Current Music: Panic! At The Disco - I Write Sins Not Tragedies (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 12th, 2005
12:08 am	Caring IS Creepy Hola. I will be able to add an entry after days of fighting with D&E over my stupid DSL line. (Too crazy, details don't matter). Let's just say it works at night because the wires are cold. I was really trying to figure out tonight why the song "Caring is Creepy" by The Shins will change your life if you listen to it. Didn't see the movie, but Casi and one other person with a fairly indepth review of the movie "Garden State" have explained to me about this song being life changing. Hmmm.. Well, I kinda get it. But you know when you think you get something and then right around the corner is someone else with a perfectly reasonable explaination about the exact same thing you just read and it was no where near what you were thinking? It happens to me a whole bunch. I added the lyrics to the bottom of this for those who are curious, and so I would look it over a couple more times. I had a busy day. I got my post surgery information for my feet today with the knowledge that for at least the first week I am really only allowed 5 minutes on my foot each hour to help the muscle heal in the place that they are moving it to. Lovely. I don't think I have ever spent only one hour in 24 on my feet ever in my whole life. This being home all the time is really getting to me. I was going to attempt a day of work just so I had something to do. It would have hurt enormously, but I just need to be doing something. I crackhead cleaned my kitchen last week while my feet were doing better. This week, I am looking for a kick butt Pimp Cane just to do a WALMART trip with Casi. Just FYI - WALMART doesn't sell even slightly pimped out canes. I mean like I want one that has a skull on the top with ruby eyes or something equally intimidating. I'm taking inspiration from the creative genius of Anthony Michael Hall. He has used a cane for like tons of seasons on the Dead Zone, and he makes it work. Kinda. Oh, well... I suppose I am a little uptight about all this surgery. What is the point? Why did it all have to go wrong all at once? The fun all starts in like 8.5 days... I didn't break it down any further. I think the problem is that during my recovery, my mom is going to be here a bunch, and I won't be able to keep the place as respectable as she would like it. I do appreciate her help, but my house will never be clean enough. 9 times out of 10 I think I just let it go because it just won't be good enough, so why bother. I did want to expand on why I called tonights entry Caring IS Creepy. I cared enough about an old friendship to take matters into my own hands and actually tell her (well, someone who would tell her) what was going on in my head. I am almost completely assured that every sentance went in one ear and the whole way out the other. It bothers me that I can be so easily bothered by others around me that I care about, when I should have given myself enough respect to stop caring at least once I knew that they didn't really care about me. I don't want to be the gray cloud bringing down the wedding. But then again, some little demon that lives under my soon to be removed gallbladder, wants me to go to see the demise, to rally around what is to be more drama and chaos just so I don't have to get it second hand. I never got to be in a wedding. I made it through childhood, 6 female cousins (all but one married), and most of my friends, and wasn't there. Heck, I've never even made it past the planning stages of any of mine either. Somewhere in my stuff I think I have an expired marriage license. Thats just a freakin hoot. Why do I even care? None of this should matter to me in the least. All of the weddings that I have personally avoided were in what can be termed my best interest. And now, I'm just starting to be pissed off about all of it. Weddings bring out the best in people. Sure. Convince you, then convince me. Keep in mind that I have maybe attended a whole like 3 weddings in my entire life, and most of what I have to go on is horror stories that are what is remembered several years after where the love may have already dissapeared. I think the title of the song has spoken to me. Whatever else there is after it, just thinking about how being in the position to have to care about people is kinda creepy. I don't always like the emotions that I have to suffer through because I care about other people or feelings. But I do it because I care.... Until Next Time Caring is Creepy - The Shins (Garden State Soundtrack) I think i'll go home and mull this over Before i cram it down my throat At long last it's crashed, it's colossal mass Has broken up into bits in my moat. Lift the mattress off the floor Walk the cramps off Go meander in the cold Hail to your dark skin Hiding the fact you're dead again Undeneath the power lines seeking shade Far above our heads are the icy heights that contain all reason It's a luscious mix of words and tricks That let us bet when you know we should fold On rocks i dreamt of where we'd stepped And the whole mess of roads we're now on. Hold your glass up, hold it in Never betray the way you've always known it is. One day i'll be wondering how I got so old just wondering how I never got cold wearing nothing in the snow. This is way beyond my remote concern Of being condescending All these squawking birds won't quit. Building nothing, laying bricks. Current Mood: Oh my! Current Music: Lords of Acid - Out Comes The Evil (Comment on this)
Friday, April 8th, 2005
11:33 pm	You don't bring me flowers anymore... I wouldn't think to ask a homeless man where the best 4 star hotel in Chicago is, so why would I ask a 29 year old never married girlfriend of your son where to get the best wedding lilies in Lancaster. Why would I know that? Just to run with that analogy a tad bit further... I wouldn't want to ask a homeless man about 4 star hotels because maybe he had a fortune at one time, and is now rotting in the cespool of society due to circumstances both in or out of his control, and so by me asking him, I could be bringing on an onslaught of terrible memories frosted with the nitemare of what has become of him. On the flipside he may have never had money, being born into the sewage only to raise himself just far out of the gutter to be able to look sunlight in the eyes and my question would only surface the bubbling gases of a life never even close enough to dream about. Well, either way, how I feel about being 29 and not married with 2 kids is constantly changing, but with babies and weddings all staring down the well into my life recently its been a thought. She never thinks. Or maybe I OVER think. I am tired of walking on eggshells around people. It has something to do with me not really knowing who I am right now, and with me not having an actual identity I become who I need to be for the situation. I'm never really candid, except for the righteous few that have truely accepted that I am just me. I am just me. Interesting? I whine about not knowing who I am but I am just me. Talk amongst yourselves, I need a minute to comprehend that.    Until Next Time. Current Mood: annoyed Current Music: Tool - Undertow (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 7th, 2005
10:01 pm	Excavation and Extraction Somewhere in the English language is a word for what salve does. We can't figure it out. It is kinda like the word extract, and may even sound similar, but that just isn't the right word. I am currently on the road to self discovery and excavating my "authentic self". During this journey, I have discovered that the English language is very limiting in what I have to say sometimes, so I am learning Greek. Well, trying to learn more than just the bad words. (Kootali means spoon) I am a simfreak. I live in a world of beautiful people who I have created, with names, family and personalities. I control this world because my world is completely out of control most of the time. My pic is my sim version of me. I have been shedding a bunch of weight recently, however there really isn't a chubbier sim body available than the one I gave my me. I am almost always wearing a bandana, so is she. I like NOFX and it was really the only sim-wear that fit me. (Most of my sims are rather slut-ily dressed) Sometimes it seems that she is more real than me. I had the opportunity to expand my mind and I realized that I am a joke. Not always in a bad sense, but I have been put here for the amusement of others, and I keep looking for the "Motormouth" cameras and the guy with the oversized check. Whether or not I will ever become "something" has been banging on my brain since my 29th birthday and I have had trouble figuring out if I already am what I am to become or maybe theres more. Who knows? I am embarking on a couple of weeks of Doctors, Hospitals and Surgeries and I am wondering why. Why me? Where are the cameras, I've been had. Until Next Time. Hey - If you haven't seen the Life Of David Gale... Get it NOW!!! It is amazing! Current Mood: pessimistic Current Music: I'm Not Ok ( I Promise) by My Chemical Romance (Comment on this)